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Bad dreams life screams

I haven't been feeling the greatest. October has always kind of been a 'crunch' time for me. You have a major haul in school, a reminder that summer's definitely ending, and all sorts of depressing thoughts hit. My first year of college and the tragedy then. Now, apparently October is Domestic Violence Month.
I have google alerts set up for Leila, and it informed me that her 'silhouette' would be on display as a Domestic Violence victim.

This seems beyond odd to me, even though I guess it is Domestic Violence.
Last night, I started to get depressed, probably because of a low quiz score and lack of food. Also, Huxley had taken his time to come back home, he is usually back in by 7pm. When he came back, I was immediately happier, and then my mom made me incredible food. My dad was watching "There will be Blood", and we talked about gratuitous violence. I said that I did not need to see someone bludgeon someone else to death with a bowling pin.

The food was so delicious, that I felt tired instantaneously after eating.
I went to bed and all of these bad thoughts rushed in my head. I begin to cry thinking that no one really cares about my existence except for probably 10 people, almost all family. And that if I were to die, no one would be sad about my loss as much as they would be sad about the loss my parents experienced. Surely, my parents love me, and losing both children would be quite awful.
I became certain that if I were to die before my parents, that my funeral would be attended not by my friends, which I have few, but by friends of my parents to show support. No one would say that it was a shame, and that I was such a great, nice, beautiful or wonderful person. At this point I became somewhat envious and incredibly depressed about Leila. Her funeral had an outpour of love and affection from everyone. She was so loved. I am not so loved. Why am I still here?

I fell asleep, probably crying myself to sleep, and then my dreams continued to haunt me. I dreamt that Amir had not killed Leila, but harmed her severely. He was still in jail.
However, he was released for some reason, and then finished the job. We went to a house where Leila was found and there was blood everywhere. I couldn't make myself go to the funeral which was late at night.

It was very bizarre, and unfortunately, it's still quite vivid in my head.

I can't wait til October to end. Though even as I say that, I know that these next few months will only be harder. School will get harder. Knowing that my brother would've turned 30 years old on November 2nd will be hard. Christmas in a new, cold domicile will be a hard season, then followed by the 14th anniversary of my brother's death. A reminder that I've outlived him much longer. That I've known him to be dead longer than I've known him to be alive.


the girl you wish you knew but forgot you don't

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